Letting Go of Perfectionism

I used to hate the saying, "near enough is good enough". I used to think it meant not caring, not putting in enough effort, or not working hard. If you have been following my journey for some time now, you will have heard me speak of perfectionism… a lot.

Perfectionism, to those that don't understand it, seems like a positive attribute. They say, "But that's good, it means you care." While that statement is technically true, they don't understand the depth of dealing with it.

They don't understand the cost of spending way more time than necessary on something that rarely changes the outcome. They don't understand the negative dialogue that resides in your mind, that provokes fear of not being enough, which can lead to weeks of not creating.

They don't understand the hesitation of starting a new project. You don't know where to start even though you are more than capable. When you finally find the courage to do so, self-doubt creeps in. You start questioning your idea or the method, and you only get one layer done because continuing gets overwhelming. You start to think you don't know how to achieve the vision of what's in your mind, and then your motivation is gone, so you put the paintbrush down. Then you might be lying on the couch later that day, and you see another artist online and begin to compare your work to theirs. You might not pick up the paintbrush again for days, or sometimes weeks.

Perfectionism is like a little monster that keeps finding its way through the back door of your mind.

A trait I get from my dear old Dad. My dad is a cabinet maker with an exceptional eye for detail. But he used to take so much longer than I felt seemed necessary when I watched him work. He'd take so long on these tiny little details to make it look, in his professional mind, as it should. Things that the client wouldn't notice, but he would. He would fix and perfect everything to the millimetre. It's like the final bits of the project took up 80% of his time. I never understood why he'd always get so worked up about his work. When something didn't go as planned, he'd lose it… until I realised he has perfectionism. People would always say, "Your Dad is a perfectionist," and I used to admire it. I'd think it was a positive trait because his designs and finishes were outstanding. It wasn't until I started taking my own art seriously that I began to fully understand what my old man would experience.

The thing with perfectionism, and many things in life actually, is that the only way through it is through it. In the past week, I have made a conscious effort to create. To just start, even if it's for 10 minutes. And in these sessions, some of which have ended up being an entire afternoon, I have noticed something. When I create, I actually feel really good about myself. When I create consistently, it's like I gain momentum and the voice in my head starts saying, "Umm, you're actually really good at this." I step back and look at my work and think, "This looks sick!" I feel confident and excited and remember why I create.

So I'm going to train it like a muscle. I'm an experienced weightlifter, and I trust myself entirely in the gym. But I didn't walk into my first training session knowing what I know now, I trained. So I'm going to do the same with perfectionism. I've noticed my problem is letting the perfectionism win over my thoughts, and not doing what I say I want to do, which is creating.

I guess it's the same for all of us though, hey? It can be really exhausting, feeling like you have so many ideas but not enough time. Things to do but not enough hours in the day. Then add a sneaky inner critic to the mix, and it starts to feel like you're fighting a losing battle.

I've started a sketchbook that I'm not using nearly as much as I initially thought I would (thanks, dopamine). I started it with the intention of making bad art. To teach myself that it's okay if I don't love every single thing I create. To learn to be in a state of play rather than critiquing. It's a low-impact way of creating without feeling like there's so much at stake. It hasn't been easy, and I've found myself leaning into the realism again because the perfectionist in my head says that realistic = good art, but I know in my heart that's not to be the case. This is where I'm beginning to understand "near enough is good enough". It doesn't mean lacklustre work or not trying. It means understanding the 80% rule, knowing when to put the paintbrush down rather than overworking it.

So I will continue to create, of course. Because I know deep down I've got this. I don't expect perfectionism to just disappear. I know that the little monster will still try to find its way in. Instead of it trying to creep through the back door of my mind, I'll notice it and lock the door. Maybe it will try to knock, and I just won't let it in.